walls of our minds (this open room) ~ hma

I decided to visit this room again

for what must be the thousandth time.

Gave me a sense of comfort

like you were still here.

My heart won’t accept that you’re gone.

~

It felt like everything was the way it used to be

left the way it was meant to play out

but it lead us through a different story,

now the silence has never been so loud.

~

In this room, dust is left upon each thing

each memory I dared not touch

for I was afraid to mess more up.

I wanted to keep as much as I could

the way it once was.

~

Thorns and thistles have taken over

the flowers that once bloomed here.

This room is plain and small,

but it was everything to me.

It once had color, when you were here.

~

Before you decided to leave,

to leave it all and walk out,

there was safety in the air.

Now it’s all empty

and I’m not sure if I want to be here.

~

I walked in that room

and felt along the wall for the switch.

Ah, there it is.

Lights strung across the ceiling flicker on,

and everything comes back.

~

It’s colder here now

but I guess we haven’t come here in awhile.

cold weather,

a gentle and sweet

autumn breeze

always makes me think of you.

~

The hum of our music still fills the room

your footprints still there in the dust

from where we danced.

~

Your footprints are left across the floor

and fingerprints across my heart,

and now they’ve turned to scars.

The lights here in this room are on,

but with you it was never this dark.

~

Your laugh still fills the empty space

the most lovely sound in existence.

I’d give anything to hear it once more.

~

I’ve closed up this room

so nobody may come inside

and touch what belongs to me,

but was never rightfully mine.

My mind has always known

I couldn’t keep it forever,

but to the things this room holds,

my soul is tethered.

~

I know I shouldn’t still be here

wallowing in the longing

for what I cannot have.

It’s unhealthy and suffocating,

but oh, how I want it back.

~

I stand in this very room

where we used to dance

and sway to our own melody

that only we could hear.

But all of it feels so far away,

just a distant memory.

~

Pictures cover the walls,

glimpses into the best moments,

though they’ve begun to fade.

Crumbling to pieces

I cannot make them stay.

I cannot bring back the color

to what those moments were.

~

Too many times i’ve come back here

letting the longing take over my soul.

Too many times i’ve sat and cried

on this floor where we once stood together.

Too many times has my heart

broke for you all over again.

~

Too long have I held onto someone

that already let go.

~

This empty place

has been the home of both happiness,

and hurt too.

Here I now begin to pick up these pieces

and tuck them away another place.

Here in this room I begin to clean

and wash away the hurt

of what was once here,

but is no longer.

~

Here in this room,

I begin to make space

for something new.

~

Someday,

someone else may come

to heal the wounds left by you

and make this our room.

~

someone for my heart to hold to.

gardens

I’m gonna build myself a garden

filled with marigolds and roses

oh, to run in green pastures

and hay meadows golden.

there may come fear and hurting

but let it be that it all flows freely

in the rivers that keep this garden growing.

tears that stain and sting but later on made

the flowers oh, so sweet

the brightest colors rise from the dirt.

I’ll lay in these grass fields

and gaze up in wonder at the stars

while I inhale the aroma of the earth

beneath my pounding heart.

tears are the rains that flood the grounds

and reap beautiful things.

sunshine on my skin that warms my soul

and reminds it there is still more coming

it gives peace and reassurance

through unknown and painful things.

gonna have trees to climb with branches up high

rooted safe and strong in the ground

if i should slip and fall

I pray you’d catch me, don’t let me stay down.

give me the strength to let go

to surrender and let it be

please show me this hope and this peace

cut these ropes that hold me captive, set my soul free.

you just watch

you’ll wait and see

one day these seeds will sprout

and flourish from the scars of the ground.

let go of this ego

and their standards of living

planting seeds every place that I go

shifting things in this big world.

watch this garden grow

reaping beautiful things that

were sown from sorrow.

uprooting trees that have fallen long ago

blocking paths into new things unknown.

slowly watering and reviving

the flowers of my past that have wilted

and ripping away the thorns that once overtook them.

I’ll live something different from

anything ever seen

sharing the pure joy and love

of the One who walks these paths with me.

I will flourish and thrive

blossom and grow in every aspect of this life

complete enjoyment with peaceful sighs.

hear the beautiful song this garden of mine sings

that has risen from the ashes

of love, and broken things.

my life is a garden.

OXYGEN

There I stood. At the edge of a cliff.

At the edge of the very world.

The wind blowing through my hair, through my white silk dress. Almost lifting my bare feet from the ground.

The unknown was below.

I heard sounds of water crashing, but below the cold mist I could see nothing but darkness.

I stood there, afraid. I wanted to leap, I was curious.

I wanted to experience something different in life.

I wanted to feel free and brave, but I just couldn’t. I couldn’t jump.

Then you walked up.

Slowly you walked, and stood right next to me, staring blankly into the deep darkness and unknown things that lurk below.

Then you looked up, straight into my eyes. And you smiled.

I smiled too.

We just stood, and listened to the terrifying sounds of the wind and waves.

Then you said you would jump with me.

You told me you’d jump, and stay right by my side through the dark.

I trusted you.

You made me happy.

Suddenly the curiosity grew, and the fear didn’t exist anymore.

We counted to 3

And we jumped.

We laughed and shouted as we leaped, and flew through the sky.

It felt as if I was floating. The adrenaline rushing through me.

Little did I know what was down there.

We both crashed into the waves, and we fell deep into the waters.

I opened my eyes.

You were right in front of me, nose just inches away from mine. Staring deep into my eyes, smiling that big smile of yours.

I giggled, and managed not to choke.

My heart fluttered, and jumped.

You grabbed me by the hand, and pulled me deeper to swim. Deeper, deeper.

Then, we danced.

Danced in the ocean. Swaying in the current, and twirling me. We shared something that felt electric.

We just kept moving with the waters. Your fingers linked in mine. It just felt right.

Then there was a noise.

You turned your head up to the surface of the waters, and the sunlight glinted off of your bright eyes.

I looked up too, but saw nothing.

Then the noise. It called again.

I couldn’t hear what it was, but you heard it clearly.

Without hesitation, your hands slipped from mine and you started to swim back up.

I reached back out for your hand and grasped it, pulling you back.

You looked at me. No smile. No glare. Just a blank expression.

You shook free from my grasp and continued to swim. I tried to call out to you, but I gagged on the water.

I tried to follow you, but I couldn’t. I tried kicking and pushing but nothing worked. Something was holding me down in the water.

I kicked and screamed to you, but you didn’t hear me.

I kept swimming and pushing upward, but made it nowhere. You had just touched the surface, before I was dragged back down.

Something had a hold on me, and it was dragging me further and further down into the water. I cried and called out to you, over and over, but the saltwater filled my lungs.

I was running out of breath.

Running out of time.

It felt like there was a weight, pushing me deeper and deeper, drowning me.

Darkness overtook me, and I couldn’t fight the storm that raged in the water.

And I couldn’t stop the storm that raged inside me.

I just couldn’t swim anymore.

I let it pull me down deeper into the dark. I let myself sink, and the water took my voice away.

I kept trying to call out, but I couldn’t. My hair and dress floated through the water as I kept going deeper. My last bubbles of breath escaped, as I looked at the glimmer of the sunshine one last time.

Now here I lay at the ocean floor

where nothing happens

And darkness covers everything

I can’t see the light anymore

And I can’t breathe, but I’m still living.

I just exist.

I’m invisible, and nobody sees me through the dark of the sea.

Nobody can hear me, because I’m forever silent through the crashing of waves.

My voice is gone.

My hope.

My happiness.

I’m forever waiting until the day, when someone else just may take the jump

and dive deeper

to rescue me from this storm

where I may taste oxygen again.


hearts shake

was it all fake?

just imagined in my head

just a made up, senseless dream

that kept me awake in bed.

got the wind knocked out of me

when i was punched by reality

it was never a real thing

but you should know everything

i said was true

now im left wondering

how about you?

i didn’t trust my heart

it told me things

that i always ended up chasing

just racing til my body hurt.

it told me things i thought were lies

just made to seem and look fine

but now i see these things it tells me

make me who i am destined to be.

a heart is meant for breaking

so when it heals

it beautifully scars over

and it’s stronger in the quaking.

hearts can feel good

but hearts can also break

and hearts can shatter

and hearts can feel fake

and sometimes hearts make decisions

that you do and don’t want to make

but no matter what it does

your heart makes you who you are.

my heart aches

and my heart breaks

but my heart brought me to this

and my heart makes my life what it is.

be careful what you love

be careful what you let yourself fall for

because i can guarantee

you’ll be on your knees

begging for mercy and sleep

when that dangerous thing that beats in

your chest begins to take over the rest.

hearts are meant for breaking

and hearts can seem to be faking

and a heart can take you somewhere

that you don’t want to be

but a heart takes you places altogether

that you otherwise would never have seen.

a breaking heart is necessary

for who i am becoming.

a heart enjoys the good times

but can also rip you apart at the seams

and hearts can be joyful

and filled with love

or they can be empty

and feel they never get enough.

im just trying to say

hearts are meant for breaking

to be stronger in the quaking.

just be careful, ok?

because hearts can shake things.


Coffee mugs, old books & an orange cat.

I take another small sip of coffee from the mug I have cupped in my hands, still continuing to read the thin lines of the open book that lies in front of me. The bitter, and dark liquid is almost perfect.

Still warm, but cooled. It’s soothing to the mouth.

The delicate pages of the book are yellowed and brittle, and the edges are rigged and torn from many years of age. Most of the small black letters printed across the pages have faded so much they are nearly invisible. 

The click of the white ceramic mug back on the marble kitchen table is one of the few sounds that is keeping complete silence away. I hear my own breathe, and the low crackles and pops of the logs in the brick fireplace. It does fairly well in keeping the cottage warm and cozy during the winter days. 

All is quiet and chilly, as I sit there with that mug of coffee, and that old brown book.

I pull the sleeves of my soft gray sweater over my wrists, and hold them cozily there with my fingers. I tuck my hands under my chin as I begin to read aloud to myself. My voice raspy from the frosty air of the morning, I read, “Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by your name…” I paused. “… you are mine.” 

The beautiful words seemed to linger in the air as a soft and sweet aroma, that I could breathe over and over again. The words bring a sensation of comfort, that hangs as a blanket around my shoulders. 

I brush my cold fingers over the words, trying to grip onto every letter as if I could pick them up, and lock them in my heart forever.

I continue reading aloud, in that still kitchen. Just my voice breaking the silence of the house, which normally brings a feeling of loneliness.

I’m once again reminded I’m not the only one in this rusty cottage, as an orange ball of fuzz walks underneath the table. Samuel’s faded orange fur, with streaks of white brushes against my legs, and his whiskers tickle my feet. I can’t help but giggle. 

He looks up at me for just a second, and I gaze into his beautiful green, and brown speckled eyes. His eyes are like a pond in the summer, with the lilies floating atop the muddy water.

I smile softly at him, and reach down to pick him up. I cradle him in my arms and snuggle him close, with my nose in his fur. He purrs, and nuzzles his face in my sweater.

I close my eyes just for a second, and sit there. 

I sit there with a mug of coffee, an orange cat, and that old brown book.

I open my eyes, and see him looking at me again. I have a feeling of happiness and warmth inside. I gently kiss him on the nose, with him still cradled in my arms.

I sit him on my right shoulder, and close the book still in front of me. I carefully pick it up not letting the few torn pages slip out, and walk over to the mysterious door across the room. The wooden door has scratches all over, and the brass knob has been worn over the years.

I sit the book down on the cabinet next to the door, that holds all of the glass bowls and plates, and variety of coffee mugs I managed to collect over a period of years.

I slide the metal key off the top of the cabinet and wiggle it into the brass lock until I hear the click of the latch.

It is a quite suspicious looking door, so it’s probably hard not to let your imagination run wild when there’s curiosity for what’s down there. 

The door is always locked. Nobody but the cat and I have ever been down in that basement before, at least not since books were no longer wanted years ago, and I am unsure if they still exist on the face of the earth. Most books have been thrown away, just tossed into the trash. A lot of valuable things of the past have been thrown away.

Nobody wanted books, or even art anymore. Some people today blame you of being a liar or a fake for believing things written inside the pages of the beautiful things called books, or loving art. If the wrong person finds these things, they’ll destroy all you have. That’s why I won’t let anyone inside my house, let alone the basement.

I fear that they may burn everything I hold precious to me.

The lock clicks and turns, and I forcefully push open the door. I am immediately sense the sweet smell of paper. I feel for the switch along the wall with my free hand, and flip it. Everything came to life with one switch.

My pretty lights strung across the ceiling seem to burst with yellow joy as they come on. All the different colors I have painted on the walls, and beautiful drawings I have created are shown. I have my sack chair sitting towards the right in the middle of the room, and my favorite white wool rug on the floor.

A short coffee table sits in the center of the room, with a forgotten coffee mug from the previous night, and a still open book.

I have more smaller lights that twinkle, strung across the many shelves in the room. You wouldn’t expect it to be as big as it is inside of such a tiny home, but this room is my home.

All the shelves lined along the walls, and smaller shelves in the center of the room, all lined with pages filled with memories of the past.

A table in the left corner is stacked with books, that have yet to be alphabetized along the shelves.

I open the drawer to an identical cabinet as the one upstairs, and lay the old brown book inside.

I walk in the spaces between the shelves, filled with beautiful things. Some trinkets and small decorations would sit here and there among the books.

I smile as I pick up a small glass frog. It sits upright on its back legs, and it grasps a yellow flower in its small arms. Its eyes are glossed and shimmering, and its cheeks are a rosy red. Its smile has a look of shyness and peace. I look at it once more and put it back down on the shelf, and straighten it to where it first sat.

I walk into the middle of the room, the wooden floor creaking with every step.

The whole room smells like pure happiness. The aroma of aged paper mixes with the lingering smell of the pumpkin candle I lit last night.

I stand there, looking around the room.

I stand there with an orange cat on my shoulder, in a room bursting with books, light, and art, and creative things.

It just feels good.


Thanks for checking out my random writing spurt! I have just recently been feeling really creative with writing, and I couldn’t say my writings are the best ever, but I think I did pretty well with it haha!

Incase you were wondering, this short story line was supposed to be based off of what life would be like in a world full of hatred for books, or where books almost didn’t exist anywhere. Basically in a world where you have to hide art, and writings, and creativity.

This was a bit longer than I expected, but hopefully my writings intrigued you so maybe you possibly actually read it all the way through haha! (I feel like some of you authors out there may be hard core cringing right about now though. Are you?😂 )

I will most likely continue experimenting with my writing, and I would love to here if you have any suggestions or tips on becoming a better author!

Also this may or may not have been a schoolwork assignment for an essay I was writing that was only supposed to be 250-500 words and I may or may not have written almost 2,000 hehe…. so I figured hey why not make it into a post?

I’ll see ya super soon guys, it was really great getting to drop in for a bit! xD Have an amazing day loves, and keep smiling! ; )

Dear Future Husband

I don’t yet know who I’m writing this to, but I know it’s somebody pretty amazing.

I often think about who you are. From the sound of your laugh, to the color of your eyes. I wonder about you. What’s your name? What’s your personality? Where are you and what are you doing at this very moment as I write this? I also wonder if you ever think about who I am? I really have so many thoughts and questions, but I know they won’t be answered until we meet. I truly do excitedly await the day that happens, but until then, I will peacefully and happily wait for you.

I am not ready for a relationship right now, and I won’t worry about it either, because God has promised you to me. God has promised us to eachother. I am not going to carry the burden of worrying about never finding you, and never finding love. God has destined for us to be together and designed us for eachother from the very beginning. And I don’t need to hopelessly search for love as if it hasn’t been with me my entire life! God has always loved me more than anything. He has held me in his hands and walked alongside me every day, and he holds my heart until the day comes when he gives it away to you. Even after that, God will still forever hold my heart and I trust him with all of this.

I will not go around searching through every guy I can to try and find you. Why? Because I don’t need to. God always makes a way and somehow, somewhere, someday, he will bring us to eachother. I don’t need to always have a boyfriend with me to be happy, which sadly so many women and girls today think is true. Until I truly find you; the one I’m meant to be with, I am going to stay young and free, living wildly, and happily. I don’t need a boyfriend with me to be happy every second. God always makes a way.

I am not just looking for a guy with a pretty face, because BOI that is not all it takes to win my heart. I don’t want that guy always showing out and begging for attention, or flirting clearly with all these other girls. I don’t want that guy who covers up his intelligence with fake stupidity just for attention. I want a guy full of love, light, and willingness to help. I want a guy who does kind things anonymously and expects nothing but joy in return. I want the guy who shows his smarts without “showing off”.

I don’t want someone who shows his love through money or expensive things. I want a guy who truly and genuinely shows that he loves me. I want somebody different. Unique. Someone special. I am waiting for someone that will dream with me, and hold my hand walking alongside me. Someone that will be a complete goofball, and laugh with me. Someone who loves, trusts, has faith in God and will pray with me. Someone that’ll go on adventures and try new things with me. Someone who will care for me, and truly love me for who I am. I am waiting for someone that will roll down the car windows and blast our favorite songs! I am waiting for you.

I am waiting for someone funny, intelligent, sweet, kind, strong, brave, and caring. (and maybe a little cute, idk. 😁) I am waiting for someone that will live free, and wild. I am waiting for someone that I will love so very deeply.

I want you to be the only one I’m ever in a relationship with, but no one can guarantee that’s how it’ll happen. And that’s okay. Every relationship is a learning experience, and God uses everything for the greater good in life.

I don’t know who you are, where you are at, or what you look like, but I know God is preparing us specially for eachother. The wait may be pretty hard sometimes, but it’s gonna be so worth it.

I cannot wait to share my life with you. To tell you stories, hold your hand, share our dreams, and do things we never imagined. Agh, I’m so excited and curious about you and the life ahead that it makes my heart ache. God is gonna do so many amazing things beyond our dreams, I imagine there’ll be lots of surprises along the way.

I wonder alot about you.

I wonder where and when we’ll just happen to stumble upon eachother and meet.

Again, I don’t know who you are, and I’m probably gonna have to wait awhile to figure that out, but I am so very excited. So while I wait, I am going to continue to grow in my faith and in discovering my identity and a beautiful young woman. I am going to always live the best life I can.

I am going to live joyfully, positively, kindly, faithfully, independently, lovingly, freely, goofily, memorably, courageously, and passionately. Because I want to be the best I can for you, God, my family, friends, and even myself. I know that you will be perfect for me, and just what I need.

Life is gonna hold some crazy things, but the thing is, God holds life. So hang on tight, and i’ll see ya real soon dude.

I can’t wait to meet you.